I awoke from surgery very groggy, as one would expect. As I write, an undercurrent of lethargy still exists with every breath I take. While the anesthesia wears off, I feel a mixture of that same lethargy, combined with increasing soreness.
Yet through the many feelings I’m experiencing, the one that stands out and trumps all others is the feeling of Joy.
From the moment I became aware I was out of surgery, although I hadn’t yet opened my eyes, I felt joy. Not happiness, not contentment, but the joy of knowing: It’s Over.
The realization that that Joy existed within me, coupled with knowing This Chapter is Closed felt like falling softly into the most beautiful, fragrant field of flowers. I allowed myself to stay there, remaining completely still, not letting on to the nurses hovering around me that I was beginning to awaken.
It was a sweet secret I was enjoying, all by myself.
As I lay there, I listened to the nurses. One sounded extremely annoyed that someone in the operating room had allowed my body to get so cold. As they wrapped me in warm blankets, I noticed my teeth were chattering. My fingertips and toes were a bit numb. But I remained in my placid, blissful state. Yes, I felt the cold, but I couldn’t be bothered by it.
The cold would not ruin the warmth radiating from within: the joy.
I carried that joy home with me. It’s difficult to explain in words the feeling I’ve been experiencing. It’s as if, although I knew everything was okay (my brain understood that the cancer had been removed), I had been in so much discomfort, that upon waking and being able to breathe freely, I began to inhale and exhale joy with every breath.
The simple act of unlabored breathing was a clear sign that a shift had taken place and what was before, no longer was the case.
I believe this surgery marked the end of a chapter in a way I hadn’t foreseen. It has marked closure to what was. And now I feel even more grateful for what is.
So… What IS for me?
~ my breath, soft and unencumbered IS
~ a stillness that feels like a balancing of spirit IS
~ joy, that has risen to the surface IS
~ a gratefulness I thought was already present, IS even more
What IS for you today?