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Good News for Suffering Guilt-a-holics

October 15, 2012 by Leslie Green Leave a Comment

Guilt

What would you say if I told you that I found something GOOD that comes out of feeling guilty?  If you’re wired with a guilt meter that runs high, you’re going to want to read this.

What Is Your Guilt Meter Default?

On a low to high scale, where does your guilt meter hover?

  • low — in fact, you’re not really even sure what I’m talking about.  Guilt, what guilt?
  • medium — it’s more of a situational thing with you
  • high— you NEVER ask for help or favors.  When someone offers to assist you, your automatic, pre-programmed response is, “No, that’s okay,” or “No thank you, I’m fine,” despite knowing that you need it.

If you found yourself identifying with the last group, it may not have anything to do with guilt.  It could mean that you’re extremely independent and prefer doing things solo.  Which is great.  But if you fit the full description, including the last part of the sentence — not accepting someone’s help ”despite knowing that you need it,” well, your default setting on your guilt meter might just be set to high (or maybe you’re just stubborn that way).

Guilt is one of those things I lump together with worry;  there’s really no place for it.  No matter how you slice it, guilt really doesn’t do you much good.

And although worry does absolutely no good for you 99% of the time, there is that tiny, little 1%, where on occasion, worry will force us to get off our butts and do something about a problem.  And for that reason, I give worry its 1% credit.

So, when I heard Gary Zukav (who, by the way, I admire his work a lot), say that guilt serves no constructive purpose whatsoever, I remember thinking, Then why does guilt exist?  Really?… no purpose at all?  Surely there has to be a reason, even if it’s a tiny 1% reason.

If worry could be used as a tool to help us take action, then couldn’t guilt be used as a tool for something as well?

The Good of Guilt

What if, in every instance that we feel the familiar pang of guilt, we used it as a reminder tool?  Like an alarm clock.  What if, every time we experience the feeling of guilt, our internal alarm clock goes off and reminds us, “Hey!  Pay attention to this feeling.  This feeling is here to remind you to do better next time.”

A typical scenario might look like this: we make a choice, a bad choice, then afterward, we feel guilty, beating ourselves up over the gossip we just engaged in, the lie we told, the third helping of cake we ate in secret, the temper that we allowed to flare out of control.

But, what if in the exact moment we hid the evidence of the eaten cake, or lied about eating it, or whatever we chose to do, what if when we felt that pang of guilt , the very instant that we felt it hit our lower abdomen, we reminded ourselves NOT that we are a bad person, but that WE’LL DO BETTER NEXT TIME?

Yes, we choose to use guilt as a reminder to do better next time.

Now, I’m not suggesting you don’t hold yourself accountable for your actions — that’s a whole different topic.  You should, must, take accountability for the part you play in a situation, but once you feel the guilt, instead of using it as a weapon to beat yourself up with, use it as a reminder to do better next time you’re faced with the same situation.  Just as an alarm clock reminds you to wake up every morning, the feeling in your stomach can do the same.

Benefits of Using Guilt as a Reminder

  1. once your body becomes accustomed to your alarm clock going off every morning, it no longer needs it, except for the rare occasion of an early morning flight.  The same principle applies to the feeling of guilt;  it will become an automatic reminder to do better, eventually the tool will no longer be needed, except on the rare occasion.
  2. just as your alarm clock wakes you with no judgement, the practice of using guilt to remind yourself to do better, will gradually shift your actions.  There will be no reason to slip into your old habit of judging yourself.
  3. you’ll stop assigning negative labels to yourself

We all experience guilt from time to time, but it doesn’t need to have a life of its own.  It doesn’t need to torture or torment us.  Trust yourself — by choosing to change the way you think about guilt, you can use it to serve your better good.

Subscribe above to receive blog posts delivered directly to your inbox.  Don’t miss an opportunity to learn to Trust Yourself and Life.   Love, Leslie

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Facing Guilt-Ridden Dreams

September 24, 2012 by Leslie Green 2 Comments

My father passed away fourteen years ago.  At the time, I was living in Virginia, had recently started a new job, and was three months pregnant with our first child.  Between the job, the distance, and life, I didn’t make it home to Texas very often to see my dad.  My last “conversation” with him was over the phone, where I sat in my cubicle at work and listened to the rhythmic sound of his breathing machine.  For my part, I’m quite certain I did a poor job, as I barely managed to sputter out some semblance of a good-bye.  Although he didn’t say a word, I’m positive he knew it was me, his Dumpling, on the other end of the line.

Facing Guilt-Ridden Dreams

I dream about my father every now and then.  There is an eerie sameness in these dreams that is so much stronger than in other dreams I have:

First, the feeling of REALNESS in my dad-dreams is incredible.  So real, that every time I’ve woken up from one, I’ve had to relive a piece of mourning, so convinced that he’s alive.  I start off by reaching for the phone, ready to dial his number, heavy with feelings of guilt that it’s been so long since I’ve called or visited.  Then, the realization begins to sink in;  he’s no longer here on this earth, and I can’t call him.  I grieve a bit each and every time I receive that dull blow to the stomach.

Along with momentarily believing he’s still alive, as I mentioned, I feel enormous guilt.  The feelings of guilt start long before I wake up.  Yes, they begin while I’m still asleep.  There’s a point in the dream when I begin to feel ashamed – – ashamed that I’ve somehow abandoned him.  And I wonder, will he forgive me?  Will he welcome me, although I very seldom call or visit?  What kind of person does this…. especially when her father is clearly so ill?

The other constant is that at some point in these dad-dreams, I’ve made that call or made that trip to see him, only to find out that he’s been cured.  The cancer has inexplicably left his body and he’s back to being completely healthy!  Somehow, I’ve missed the beauty of his recovery.  And I’m sad I wasn’t there for it.  I silently vow to become the dutiful daughter that I was not, and I will now call and visit him all the time;  I’ve been given a second chance to make things right.  But before that thought has completely gelled in my dreaming mind, I know it’s a lie.  I’ll call him immediately (which I try to do when I wake up), but I already know I won’t keep it up long-term.  And the flood of guilt and sadness wash over me again.

What Haunts You, Hunts You

There is guilt and sadness at every turn.  Guilt that I haven’t called.  Sadness that I missed witnessing and celebrating his remarkable recovery.  Guilt that I know as good as my intentions are, I will allow life to get in the way again.  Sadness when I wake up and realize he’s not alive.  Guilt that I didn’t pray more.  Sadness because I miss him.

Guilt.  Sadness.  ….Oscillating back and forth like a fan stuck in the ‘On’ position, without an ‘Off’ switch or plug to yank out of the wall.

This clearly feels like a haunting.  And the nature of how all of the same elements and themes of the dreams repeat themselves, that, feels like a hunting.

Quieting the Guilt-Ridden State

They tend to show up once or twice a year, when least expected.  What might surprise you, is my bittersweet-happy-state when they present themselves.  See, I’ll gladly take the guilt and sadness, to have the brief feeling of believing that my father is still alive.  During these dreams, I can feel his radiant presence.  If only for a few moments, I feel him — a man who led a life filled with equal parts goodness and pernicious.  In my dream state, I only feel the goodness.

Do you know what that tells me about our ability to Feel What We Believe?

What We Believe Has POWERFUL STRENGTH.

No doubt, what we believe does have powerful strength.  Here I sit, sharing a story from my life I’ve never shared before, and in doing so, admitting to you, that I would choose to relive the guilt, the sadness, even a small bit of the mourning process just to feel my father’s presence in a way that my mind believes he is still alive, albeit brief.

What guilt-ridden dreams are you living?  How are you choosing to face them?  My hope for you is that you are choosing a way that serves you well.  That you’re able to move through whatever guilt and sadness exist, and apply what you’ve learned, to live your most fulfilling life possible.

This is a heavy post.  True.  And I realize I don’t give you the answer to how you should go about facing your guilt-ridden dreams.  I believe that your answer lies firmly within and between the lines above, as well as within you.


I dedicate today’s writing to LG.  I don’t really know you or the particulars of what happened – – nor do I need to.  What I do know is that you’re grieving.  Your loss was very different than mine;  no two are the same.  Perhaps though, similar to me, what haunts you, hunts you.  We have the answers to bring us restful, inner peace, whether we’re awake or asleep.  That I know for sure.  Trust yourself, as I trust myself — the answers all lie within.

~ from one LG to another

 

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A Day of Pleasure. WITH NO GUILT. (You Can Do It, Too!)

March 26, 2012 by Leslie Green 3 Comments

Last Friday, I:

started the day with my absolute favorite beverage on Earth (bubble tea), which alone would have me singing and dancing, but, I coupled that with girlfriend time/stimulating conversation.  Heaven!

followed by,

a massage.  My first since before the diagnosis.  Although I was uncomfortable at times (I still have quite a few ‘dead patches’ where the nerves haven’t yet regenerated on the backs of my arms and lower shoulder area, along with not being able to lie down comfortably face down), with some minor adjustments, it was a great massage!  One of the best ever!  Very pleasurable.

then,

a pedicure.  “Excuse me?  Would I care for a manicure, too?  No, thank you.  On second thought.  Yes!  Yes, I would.”  I walked out with deep purple pleasure on my toes and fingers.

and afterward, now back at home,

twenty minute meditation, while staring at the pool, listening to the flow of the water cascading down from multiple locations, Libby, my best girl at my feet.  Quiet pleasure.

Meditation up, boys home from school.  Quick snack, then off to watch The Hunger Games at not just any ordinary movie theater, but one of those fancy kind with the La-Z-Boy chairs, wine, a full menu, the works.  (A first, but definitely not last, for us.) Two hours of sheer pleasure!

Out to dinner.  Excellent Spanish restaurant.  Then boys home in one car with Dad, as I jump in mine and off to Target I go.  Up and down the aisles.  All alone.  Not a care in the world.  Simple pleasure.

There you have it, my very pleasure-filled day.

Reflecting back on that morning, as I was leaving the tea house to drive home, I remember thinking:

I have many, many (did I mention many?) things I should be doing right now….

But, I will not should all over myself today
No, today I shall pamper myself
Drive myself wherever I feel like
To do whatever I want
Because I can (as I visualize my son wearing his 18 shirts)
And here’s the kicker:  I WILL NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT
And I will not freak out that I’m flying by the seat of my pants; I have not made a plan

I have to be honest.  I few years ago, I couldn’t have done it.  A whole day of acting on whatever whim I felt like?  With no previous planning?  No forethought?  No trying to sneak in a to-do that happens to be on my route?  No answering my phone, because even if I want to talk to the person, right now I’ve dedicated time to be with someone I love dearly:  Me.

And the biggest of all:  No Guilt.  No should-ing all over myself.  Not once did I think I should be doing anything other than what I was doing.

You may be thinking, Calm down, Leslie.  You didn’t hop a plane to Paris.  You were tooling around north Dallas.  Big whoop.  Hell yeah, big whoop!  For the literally 12 hours that these activities took place, I felt complete and utter bliss.  That is a big whoop.

Twelve consecutive hours of bliss might happen on vacation.  Or maybe if I had a bad enough cold to keep me in bed all day with a really good book.  But this 12 hours of bliss, and the fact that it was unplanned, was such an extraordinary gift I gave myself.  And it wasn’t my birthday.  I wasn’t celebrating anything deliberately.

In retrospect, I was celebrating Me.  I was honoring myself by having my actions direct the Love I’d typically give outward, back inward.  It was time to pour Love inside.  Within.

As I’ve mentioned before, I believe Love and Trust go hand-in-hand.  And with that, I believe wholeheartedly that Love and Trust originate from within.    Love and Trust begin inside of us first.  Once we love ourselves, it becomes easy to love another.  And yes, once we trust ourselves, we know we are capable of trusting others.

Knowing these Truths, why not dedicate a day to showering yourself with Love?  There’s really no other gift quite like it.  There’s something about putting your Love into action and directing that action inward that translates solidly to:

I love myself enough to do what’s right for me.
I am worthy.
I am enough.
I am more than enough.

Please feel free to Click and Share.  You never know, this might be just the thing someone needs to read today.

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Leslie I understand that for many, Trust does not come easy. It falls into the black-hole called "Easier-Said-Than-Done." And here is why: Because as children, most of us learned the exact opposite of how trust works.                Continue reading >>

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