I keep waiting for my body to feel ‘normal’ again. I think, because I’m a hopeful person, I keep hoping that my body will go back to feeling how it did pre-cancer, pre-surgeries.
I’m just about done waiting….
Around 11 months ago my brilliant surgeons went in and removed all of my breast tissue, replacing the undesirable tissue with temporary implants, and eventually permanent implants.
Yes, that’s 11 months for me to get used to a new body, a new normal. Yet I still wait.
I still can’t hold several yoga postures. Or, if I manage to get into the posture, I find it difficult to get out of it. I still have difficulty closing the hatch on my car (and that’s using two arms, my old way of doing it with one arm is definitely out of the question).
So I took up tai chi, thinking I’ll continue to build my strength doing my regular workouts, and eventually I’ll go back to yoga. I haven’t given myself the option that some yoga postures are un-doable for me, they’re just something I can’t do now. As for the hatch on my car, well, that’s when my boys come in very handy.
But there’s lifting luggage to contend with, there’s watermelon to put in the shopping cart, then the car, then in the house. There’s any number of things that serve as reminders: my body is different. It’s not the same.
Rationally, I know that as I grow older these things would have become difficult for me. But it would’ve been a gradual process. A process occurring so slowly that perhaps I would’ve developed methods to compensate on a physical, as well as emotional level.
But that’s not What Was. Not What Is.
So I remind myself, as I’ve shared with you on numerous occasions, to focus on What Is.
- I am cancer free.
- I am healthy.
- I am stronger emotionally because of the experience.
- I have grown spiritually.
- I don’t have the upper body strength that I used to.
- I am slowly becoming okay with asking for help, which can feel vulnerable.
- I have dead patches where the nerves haven’t yet regenerated. I let go of the idea that in order to feel normal again, they must regenerate and produce feeling. If they do, fine. If they don’t, fine.
I am inching closer to embracing a new normal.
And I will be truthful with myself:
I will no longer avoid yoga, just because my body can’t do what it used to.
I will recognize my ego when it shows up, acknowledge it, and refocus on What Is.
I will be okay with my best.
Where in your life are you waiting for your new normal? After ending your marriage, are you waiting for your new normal to appear? After moving to a new city, or starting a new job, or losing a big client, or ending a friendship — where? Where are you waiting for your new normal?
Your new normal is here. It is upon you. As mine is upon me. Embrace What Is. It’s here to help us grow, to teach us something, to serve its purpose. What Is is our Truth.
And I Trust it.
If you live your life with the understanding of What Is, there is no waiting.