While talking to a friend yesterday, I suddenly felt silly, when just moments before I had felt strong. I was sharing how I had recently discussed the prospect of some future speaking engagements I hope to do for Trust Life Today with a company in Austin. I remembered feeling so excited during that phone call and afterwards. However, that jubilant feeling was not rekindled as I was chatting with my friend. I could feel my smile turning downward as I continued to talk, not to a frown, but almost.
Why the change in attitude, in feeling? I’d sent my bio to the person who requested it. And now I’m waiting until something gets booked. That’s the way it works, right? So why did I feel…somehow off?
Because today, right now, nothing’s booked, said my logical brain. And as my attitude changed, I chose to shift my focus to what I didn’t have, and on what I want to have, rather than on what I do have and on What IS.
“A String of Todays”
If not now, when?
Since surviving cancer, there is a burning bit of truth I live with every day. Sometimes it doesn’t let me sleep, but most of the time, it brings me great joy. No one uttered this to me, and I didn’t arrive at it or work at it. It just revealed itself, the way a broken bone makes us re-feel the immense pressure of air. And this bit of truth is this, If not now, when?
It keeps coming down to this: There is no tomorrow, only a string of todays. Still, like most of us, I was somehow taught to dream forward, to fill the future with everything that matters. Someday I will be happy. When I am rich I will be free. When I find the right person, then I will know love. I will be loving and happy and truthful and genuine then.
But almost dying seared the sense of future from me, and though I expect to live a very long time, though I make plans and look forward to the many things I plan, I have no choice but to dream now.
I start out, as I always have, pouring the best of me into an imagined time yet to be, but then I hear, If not now, when? and the best of me floods back to the only place it truly knows — Now.”
Ah yes. I, Leslie, was pouring the best of me into an imagined time yet to be. So in this moment, this moment of Now, I choose to embrace this process, to embrace Life. And as I embrace, the excited feeling comes rushing back. Knowing that all happens in perfect timing, so perfect that we may not presently know, or ever know, what factors are working to align themselves for our higher good.
Simply put: I Trust Life.