Practicing Goodbyes
A friend recently sent me some of his favorite Richard Bach quotes. Among them was this one:
“Don’t be dismayed at goodbyes. A farewell is necessary before you can meet again.
And meeting again, after moments or lifetimes, is certain for those who are friends.”
Like you, I’m not crazy about goodbyes. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten better at them, but I sometimes wonder if it’s only been through sheer practice. Is that how the military kids I grew up with dealt with goodbyes? Through practice?
Or, is there a different mind-set that helps us through goodbyes? Like so many aspects in our lives, is it more a matter of how we choose to think about a given situation? How we choose to perceive our reality?
Shift in Perception
Take a second to re-read the quote, absorb it:
“Don’t be dismayed at goodbyes. A farewell is necessary before you can meet again. And meeting again, after moments or lifetimes, is certain for those who are friends.”
After a few go’s at the quote, I noticed a shift in perception. What did it for me was the second sentence:
“A farewell is necessary before you can meet again.”
Oh! Okay, I see. In order to rejoice in meeting again, there must first be a farewell. A stop and a start. An end and a beginning.
Essentially, when we kiss our kids good-night, we’re giving them a farewell, a practice we start when they’re infants. Of course, they are just in another room, but this act of ‘farewell’ leads to an opportunity to meet them again, the following morning. The same occurs with our partners when we go our separate ways in the morning.
This quote reaches a crescendo with the last sentence, “And meeting again, after moments or lifetimes, is certain for those who are friends.” Think about that. Moments or lifetimes. For those who are friends.
Moments and Lifetime Feelings
I’ve experienced moments, mere seconds, away from a beloved friend that have felt like a lifetime—as if the second the door shut behind them, I already yearned for their return. It’s a lot like my yellow Lab. I can leave the house for a moment, say, to check the mail, and return to a dog who acts as if I’ve been gone years. She’s genuinely over-the-moon to see me. On the other hand, I’ve spent a lifetime away from certain friends, only to reconnect decades later and have it feel as if we had seen one other yesterday.
For all of us, we have experienced these moments and lifetime feelings.
Instead of being dismayed by goodbyes, perhaps our focus should lie in the rejoicing of meeting again. I like that. Thinking about goodbyes in this context brings me comfort.
But what if there’s still more….
No Such Thing as Goodbye
What if there are NO goodbyes among friends? I’m not talking about acquaintances here, I’m talking about *friends*. Those special souls with whom you’ve formed a heart-connection. Whether this connection is formed in person, over the phone, through emails, back and forth in texts, or even after a one time meeting. Regardless of how they’re formed, true connections exist. And when these friends truly dwell in your heart, are you ever really separated? I believe the answer is NO.
My hope is that your heart holds such friends—and holds them in such a way that you don’t feel separated by distance, but instead, you feel the Oneness that connects us all.
Doug, thank you for sending the Bach quotes. You, my friend, dwell in my heart.
Thank you Friends, especially to those who See me. Those who have been in my life for Moments AND a Lifetime. As I prepare to move my family halfway across the country, I know there is no goodbye among friends.
I hope you’ve enjoyed this post. Do you know someone who could benefit from tapping in to more love and trust? Don’t be shy, please share this with them. You never know, this might be just the thing they’ve been searching for!
I have always hated good-byes. I think perhaps it comes from growing up in a military town and not leaving, but being left. I, too, have gotten better at good-byes and am now in the process of teaching my daughter to deal with them (as the one being left). But I have pointed out to her that often, these people return and how wonderful it is to be reunited (insert Peaches and Herb song here).
I have also learned that there are those that will always dwell in your heart. This weekend I will be getting together with my two best friends from my freshman year in college. We have only gotten together (all of us) a few times but it’s just like college when we do. I also have friends from high school that are the same way. How comforting to know that these bonds continue not matter how seldom we talk or see each other. I know that I can count on these friends no matter what.
So, to all of my dear friends, whether it be moments or lifetimes, I know I will rejoice in seeing you again.
Heather, I’m happy to hear you’re going to be getting together with some ‘heart dwellers’.
I hope you have tons of fun!!
Rejoice! Rejoice!
Love, Leslie
The thought of those that never leave leads me to think about those friends of mine that I may not talk to for a week, month or 6 months and that next phone call or visit feels like it was yesterday. Then there’s always that silent communication, when you know someone special is thinking about you because you can feel it. Maybe they got a little restless waiting for you to pick up the phone and were nudging you along?
On a side note I think there are people that view “I Love You” as an over used phrase or maybe only something shared for family? For me, when a conversation ends with those friends that Leslie so wonderfully put it, “dwell in your heart” and we exchange “Love You’s” it makes my heart smile and I feel them nesting down in my heart waiting for that next time we physically talk.
Oooh Angie, I hadn’t even touched on the silent communication. I like that one a lot! I believe there are those we’re connected to (which I’ve mentioned many times in my writing), but there are also those who we’re TUNED IN with, and those folks are much easier to do the whole silent communication with. Very cool stuff, my friend.
Good side note too, Angie. I completely agree with you.
Here’s my side note to your side note: I’ve got this thing about “I love you’s” vs. “Love you’s”. I prefer to have the pronoun “i” in there. With it, I feel like I’m owning that the love is coming from ME to YOU, not just that I’m sending you LOVE, that’s a bit different. I imagine it’s just semantics to most, but without the “i” I feel as if I’m cheating the other person and not giving them ALL of me in my expression of love.
Regardless, I completely GET your point and am not contradicting you, I’m actually on board and agree with what you’re saying – I just took your comment in a different direction. I guess that’s kinda my thing. :- )
Btw, I mentioned you today to a friend. I said that yesterday, I met someone I barely knew, an acquaintance really, for tea/breakfast, but we left as friends. One who dwells in my heart. Now THAT’S very cool stuff.
Love, Leslie
Very cool indeed – re: your last paragraph.
On the I Love You subject, I agree, I am more of an “I Love You” girl, not typically a “Love You”. Then we get into the 1-4-3 or the sign language symbol for I Love You, they’re all special. Every time I talk to my Mom we ALWAYS end with I Love You, I don’t care if I’m in the middle of a work thingy, it’s something like “talk to you soon Mom, I love you”. I don’t care if everyone knows that I Love My Mommy (it’s got to come out like that sometimes). I loved watching you with Davis and Christian last weekend, you can see the love between you three!
Love, Angie
Love this, Angie.
Wanna hear something? I’ve been thinking about you ALL morning. I made a mental note to text you when I got back to my girlfriend’s condo (visiting Kelli in Austin), but decided to check my email first…and saw your comment.
I hope you have a wonderful weekend! Let’s catch up soon…maybe next week??
Love, Leslie
You’ve wonderfully analyzed one of my favorite quotes and in the process, caused me to look at it from a slightly different perspective. A close friend of mine is an accomplished pianist. We’re in the habit of sitting for hours eating Chinese or Thai, discussing the broad category of creative pursuits, his: music; mine: writing. I’ve learned a lot during these talks. For one, I learned about tension and release – something that makes great music great (think Mozart) and I try to apply it to my writing. Now I’m thinking about it’s implications with friendships and relationships. “A stop and a start. An end and a beginning.” All of it arising out of Oneness. Not that it always feels good to the ego, it is perhaps a necessary part of living a life in the physical realm that’s interesting and worth experiencing. It’s a matter of accepting what is. So, thank you for sharing your thoughts. And for your comments. I’m glad we’ve become friends.
-Doug
Doug, what a cool thing to learn – about tension and release. I hadn’t thought about that before, especially as it would relate to writing. You know how I’ve told you about your talent at connecting themes within your essays? I now see that at times you’ve used a tension and release technique. I can SEE it now.
Based on our last conversation, and understanding a different depth of Oneness, the end of my article came together in a very Doug-esque kind of way. The more we look around, in all aspects of our lives, the more apparent (obvious – ha! dig the inside joke??) Oneness truly is.
Ah, and that pesky ego. Yes, I see your point there for sure. But as you say, it really does boil down to accepting What Is. (We haven’t discussed Byron Katie, btw….at least, not that I can recall. Right? She’s the author of Loving What Is. Later topic to discuss I’m sure.)
I’m glad we’ve become friends, too.
(Big, cheesy grin, showing all teeth…or perhaps just saying, “Chirp, chirp.”)
Love, Leslie
You’ve got me rolling on the floor (yes, laughing) at some of your comments. Yes, I dig it all! I love it all!
No, we haven’t yet talked about Katie but we must add her to our list, which by my reckoning is about six miles and maybe 50 hours long. We’ve just got to get to it!
Sidebar note: when I write in the morning hours, I play all 19 of Mozart’s sonatas, end to end. Now, before you fall asleep with that idea, let me say this – I do it for the inspirational value, not for entertainment. That said, this tension/release thing becomes quite powerful. I’ve learned that no one was better at it than he was. You should have lunch with Rob and me sometime and hear him tell why that is. You’d be a believer like me for sure. But then, taking it to writing, well, that becomes just plain fun after a while. (I have one sticky note above my monitor – yes, just one. Guess what it says. Give up?)
Big hugs, Doug
Thought I might grab your funny bone. Good! That was my intent!
Ah, so I see you know Katie, otherwise you wouldn’t have referred to her by her preferred name: her surname. I saw her in Dallas last year. She did The Work on stage with a few folks from the audience. Quite different seeing it in person vs. reading about it in her book.
Okay, your ONE sticky note above your monitor…. Tension/Release? Create like Mozart? The Rumi quote? If I’m close at all, I’d like a hint, just don’t go and tell me, it will spoil all the fun!
You’re close, definitely. What hint can I give you without giving it away? Hmmm, let me ponder. Yet, the answer is so, how should I say it? Obvious? Wait, I can’t say that, can I. Oh, just this once? :))))
Yes, there’s your one obvious for the day. 😉
Okay, so at first I typed, “Write like Mozart plays.” Then I deleted and changed to “Create like Mozart.” Should I havs stuck with my first guess?
I’m still laughing. I’m also wondering if I should just tell you. You’ve almost got it. Either answer is close. As a matter of fact, I like your first guess better than mine. This proves collaboration is good, even when it’s unintentional!
Okay, one last guess, but it doesn’t sound like something you’d write… “Be Mozart.” Or, along the same lines, “I am Mozart.” Okay, go ahead and tell me. However, I must say, I also really like, “Write like Mozart plays.” That way you honor his gift as his and your gift as yours.
Okay, may I have a drumroll please. Leslie, you are brilliant! Before the curtain fell, you got it: Be Mozart. (So why did you say it doesn’t sound like something I’d write?) However, I’ve now changed the sticky note to read, “Write like Mozart Wrote” – slightly different than you guessed but awfully close. (to reflect that I’d like to reflect how Mozart composed – wrote – not how he played.) On the next line, the note says, “Tension and Release.” I admit I’ve got a long way to go! Looking forward to Thursday! Doug
Very nice sticky note, Doug! I like the amended verbiage.
Okay, so I didn’t think “Be Mozart” sounded like something I’d picture you writing because YOU ARE YOU, therefore you would only want to BE DOUG. And although, “Be Mozart” makes since from a Oneness perspective, I felt a stronger undercurrent for you to see yourself as BE DOUG. I would have thought that you would differentiate yourself from Mozart by keeping BOTH of you in the equation. Make sense? And anyway, that’s just what my thought process was – not good, not bad, or otherwise.
Notice the layers there – – it was how I saw you seeing yourself. Interesting how our brains work, for sure.
I’m looking forward to catching up tomorrow as well. Off to pack and get the boys ready for the drive. Take care, Leslie